Out In The Open

I know I already posted today but I didn't want to bog down my happy story with this. I've never really talked about this before...well...I have, forcefully...but never really willingly. I've been trying to deal with it by pretending like it doesn't exist but that's not really working out so well for me. I'm depressed. There, I said it. I've dealt with depression since...well...as long as I can remember. Some people know I dealt with it at one time but few know it's still an ongoing problem. (At least from what I know). I remember as a little kid, laying in bed, bawling my eyes out. I could never pinpoint the source but I would sob until I made myself sick and couldn't breathe. I don't really remember how my parents dealt with this. I would imagine they thought I was being overly dramatic as I tended to be from time to time. Or always. I was diagnosed with depression around 16. I went to therapy, I got on medication. Maybe it helped...maybe it didn't. I don't think it really did and I think I felt weird for having to do all that. Feeling weird does not fix depression.
It's been an issue for me that I have chose to dealt with by ignoring it. I would get in a horrible mood, push everyone away and wallow in my misery. It normally appears during the winter months but occasionally will pop up other times throughout the year. Each winter, I hope it won't pop up...but yet it's always here. I tried therapy once when I was a little older. I didn't like it then either. I felt like all I did was sit and whine to a complete stranger, who surely thought my life was not all that bad. I don't think my life is all that bad. Which is why the feelings are so frustrating - because I can't pinpoint a problem and therefore can't fix it.
If you haven't figured it out yet - that's what's been going on for the past few weeks/month. I have tried my best to not talk to anyone more than necessary. People ask if everything's ok and I just say yes and try to avoid answering any more questions. I hide out in my house and try to nap as much as I can, because nothing bad happens while you sleep. I burst into tears at the simplest thing. I get mad over everything. It really is frustrating. Every day I have been needing to give myself a pep talk just to make it through the work day so I can come home and take a nap. I guess the good thing is that I don't drink. Drinking generally makes the feelings worse so I keep my drinking to a minimum when I'm feeling like this.
After a really rough weekend, I realized things needed to change. Ignoring the problem is not fixing it. It never has (unless you ask my dad). I have absolutely no desire to go to therapy or to get on anti-depressants. I've done some research and I think I can figure out a way to handle this in natural ways. Some of my methods include
a)daily walks with Evie. Supposedly pets increase your happiness level.
b)exercise. I need to make it a point to go the gym.
c)Getting enough (but not too much) sleep. I now have a bedtime & wake up time, which does fluctuate slightly depending on my work activities the next day. I'm not sure how naps during vacation will play into it. I really do like a good nap. I just need to learn I don't need to nap in order to avoid life.
d)Diet. I recently watched SuperSize Me and joked that maybe that's what's been up with me. I've been eating so much fast food lately. But seriously. Maybe that has played into it.
e)A schedule. I'm giving myself a night time schedule. I need to floss/brush my teeth every night & wash my face. It will just make me feel better.
f)Vitamins. I already take vitamins to make my hair grow faster but I'm going to take some additional ones that are supposed to increase your energy level and alleviate the symptoms of depression.

I'm also not going to pretend it's not happening either. It's real. I wish it weren't. But...such is life. I've been working on all of the above things for the past few days and I've seen a huge improvement. I don't want to murder everyone. I can't really blame people for not wanting to hang out with me lately. I haven't really wanted to hang out with myself. I know I've been difficult to get along with for the past few weeks so if you've had to deal with me - I'm sorry. I'm working on being more amenable. Please bear with me and I'll be fun again. Promise.

1 comment:

Amy said...

I am here for you. I love to talk, even though you don't want to, I can force it onto you and out of you. I love you very much! XOXO