I've really been struggling with a decision lately. I've talked to a lot of close friends and a lot of random people and gotten a lot of advice. I still have been unable to come to a decision. But it's nice to hear different view points.
As I've mentioned before, I'm moving to North Carolina. Or at least that was the plan. About 3 weeks ago, my job made the decision to let me go early. This sounds horrible (and I think it is on their part) but it was actually a blessing in disguise. As soon as I realized I'd no longer be employed there, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I realized how unhappy I was in that job and how horrible I'd feel about myself - both as a person and an employee - just having to walk in the building. Seriously. I'd start out the morning in a good mood (unheard of with this kid!!) but as soon as I pulled in the parking lot...ugh. I'd get this feeling of dread. But enough of that. Them letting me go created an instant realization that it wasn't Chicago I was unhappy with, it was the job where I spent about 80% of my waking time.
What? That's crazy! You hated Chicago and were beyond ready to go! Yes. This was true. But somewhere between my making the decision to leave and now - I made friends. I met a boy. I started making advances in the gym, both athletically and socially. It was what I came to the city to do. I'm sure you have questions. Let me try to explain.
1. Friends. There's a girl at my gym that decided we would be best friends. She pursued me. It wasn't hard. We get along really well. We are very alike. Her name's Chrystal. I'm glad I met her. She's helped me to really enjoy the past couple months. We even have a pair of BFF shoes. She bought them - they are a half size small for her and a half size big for me. Obviously the solution is we'll both wear them! She's really nice and generous and friendly and I feel lucky to have her as a friend. She's actually the majority of my friend base here. I have a couple other friends but it's hard to coordinate time to hang out. There are some people at my gym that I go out with from time to time, brunch or drinks or lunch. But it's like...if I want to go do something - I have people I can invite out.
2. The boy. I wasn't supposed to meet him. I was supposed to be ready to go. But along he came. He goes to my gym. He's funny, sarcastic, generous, chivalrous and doesn't take my crap. Well, I haven't really given him any crap. He's very straight forward. There are no games. I did make a comment dripping with sarcasm once and he was like "hi drama. I didn't mean it like that." I knew he didn't mean the comment in that manner but I was annoyed so sarcasm showed it's pretty little face. I like that there is no second guessing anything with him. I broke the news to him that I was moving a few weeks ago. He sounded disappointed but I wasn't sure if that was wishful thinking or not. I finally told him last night that I was considering staying and asked if he had an opinion. He said I should do what I wanted. Not exactly the answer I was looking for. I asked him directly "Do you want me to stay?" He said yes, he would like it if I stayed. I was happy to hear that but either way it wouldn't have a definitive effect on my staying or going. Then things didn't go quite as I planned. Or was hoping for. We got into the "where is this going" convo. I didn't really want to have this conversation. I hate this conversation. I'd much rather just go with the flow and see what happens. Here is my takeaway with the conversation. Granted, this is my rather emotional interpretation right at this moment, but here it is: Yes, he wants me to stay. But what we have is purely physical and he's not sure if there is even anything else there.
So that's a bit of a bummer. But it does mean taking 1 thing out of the decision making equation. And maybe I'll reinterpret that when I'm a bit less bummed out over it. Maybe he said that because he's trying not to color my decision to stay or go. Maybe he's mentally checked out of things right now. Maybe it was because it was 10:30 and he just wanted to go to sleep. Maybe he meant it exactly how I interpreted it.
3. The gym. I know, it's a gym. There are gyms, even crossfit ones, everywhere. But crossfit gyms tend to become not only a gym, but a social center - there is encouragement, playfulness, pushing. It's like a group of 400 people telling me I can do something. Or giving me crap when I say I can't. And making fun of each other throughout the whole process. I know that if I move I will find another gym. As I said, most crossfit gyms have this atmosphere. These are people that I'll spend 1-2 hours a day with. You become a sort of friends. You go through the same miserable things. You make gains together. But my gym is where I started everything at. They've made all the gains I've made alongside me. The coaches are so nice and encouraging and knowledgeable. Not all gyms have such good coaching. I'd really miss my 7pm crew. If my schedule is off and I work out at different times -it feels like forever until I see them again!
So here's my confusion: am I actually happy here or scared to start anew again? Do I want to stay? Deal with another winter? I've been waiting for a sign from the universe to tell me what to do. I honestly feel like I want to be in both places. I like things about both places. I like people in both places. I definitely like the weather in NC better. I don't know how to make this decision. I'm tired of stewing over it. I think I'm just going to pack up my apartment (which I'd do whether staying or going), move it into a POD (which I'd do whether staying or going) on March 28, drive to NC (which I'd do whether staying or going - would be moving into an apartment with another girl in beginning of May if staying so have 1 month of being homeless, might as well spend it somewhere warm!!) and make my decision from there. Maybe a month of being home would be enough. Maybe being home for a month would make me realize that's where I really want to be. Or maybe I'd realize I miss Chicago. Maybe I'd get a job offer in one place or another I couldn't refuse. Since my belongings will be in a POD, I can get it shipped anywhere upon my command. I need to make a choice but I'm really struggling.