Why I Don't Date

I seem to be getting in conversations lately about dating. I try to end the conversation quickly with "I don't date." Sometimes this ends the conversation. Sometimes this leads to questions. So here is why I don't date:

1) I am horrible at it. I start out all super cool and awesome. And then when things get more serious, a switch flips. I don't mean for it to flip. I try to stop it. It's like watching a horror movie. You're all like "No! Don't go in the house!" But I go in the house anyways. Except instead of going in the house, I make snide comments (Who? Me??). I try to stay the super cool girl. But it always fails. I don't like to be crazy. And until I can find someone to date who will actually tell me "Yo. You're acting crazy. Stop it." I don't need to date.
2) It always ends badly. I know what you're thinking. You only marry one person and if you breakup, then in theory, that's a relationship ending badly. Except I always ends up with a broken heart, sitting on my couch with a pint of melting ice cream. For like a month. It's not worth it. When it's all over with, I don't even like the guys that much. So a month of crying/ice cream eating/couch sitting may seem a bit of an overreaction (who? me??) but at the time, it seems entirely appropriate.
3) I lose track of things that matter. I get wrapped up in the person and pass up on hanging out with friends, going to the gym, taking care of myself and my house. Then afterwards, I'm all like "Oh my house is so messy." And I notice it because I'm just sitting on my couch, adding to the mess. And eating ice cream when I haven't been in the gym in so long.
4) I can't actually land a date up here. I know...that's not so much my decision not to date as it is circumstances. But seriously? It's nearly impossible. I don't get it.
5) I hate emotions. I mean, I like happy emotions. But that feeling when you're starting to fall for someone? It's more like drowning. Which is not a happy emotion. Granted, it's drowning in happiness. But it's still drowning. Still bad. (If I have to drown in happiness, I'd like to drown in Mr. W's gravy. That would be the ideal thing for me to drown in.)
6) I'm not known for picking winners to date. I try to switch things up, try different types...but they always end up the same type in the end. Douchebags. Yes, it's true. They can start out so nice...and in the end? They are all jerks. So the question is, are they jerks when I meet them and I don't see it? Or do I somehow turn them into jerks?
7) I'm terrified of getting hurt. (See #2) That's a horrible place to end up in and knowing that the odds are in favor of things ending (And in my case, poorly), it makes me not want to go there.

Maybe one day, I'll meet a guy who makes me want to throw caution to the wind. But right now, I've got my wall up and it's not coming down anytime soon.