Random Thoughts From Today

-That guy can grow a mean beard/stache...I wonder...
-This Snuggie is really warm. I wish it had longer sleeves and glittens.
-Walking down the stairs in a Snuggie is a really really bad idea.
-Crap. Dr. B didn't sign my paycheck.
-I'm such a silly girl. Why am I waiting? Silly me.
-I want to go dancing.
-I should be getting stuff done instead of watching albino people.
-I don't need an appetizer of pork tenderloin & mashed potatoes...but I did go the gym for a run today...so maybe I do...
-I want wings. and sushi. but not at the same time. And the wings are to eat, not to fly with.

Such A Strange Day!

it's been a really weird day and it's only half over. I woke up overly hopeful that I would have a text message I super duper wanted only to find that no, it too went ignored. *sigh* Then, to make things worse, I had the Dreidel Song stuck in my head. Yes, "dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with you I will play." Unfortunately those are the only words I know, so those got repeated over and over until I was on the brink of insanity. I have no clue why I was singing Jewish Christmas songs. Except I guess they aren't Jewish Christmas songs since those don't really go together.
I about got in a fight with the Barnes & Noble salesperson who insulted my Kindle and said I should return it. She said it as though it was a crap gift. I was going to punch her in her face. But I didn't.
I went to lunch with my dad...and at the end of lunch? He gave me a hug. So weird. I know that doesn't sound that weird but for my dad, it's super weird.
I finally got back to Charleston, went for a nice little run and sat down for a delicious dinner that I cooked: Beans with mushrooms, served over pasta, along with a nice glass of wine. Also, A came over and I got to chit chat with her for a while which is always fun. She talked me out of my Plan B (not the OTC medicine, but my own crazy idea...and not for the same thing!!) and convinced me to wait it out. So, here I am...waiting, waiting, waiting.

My huckleberry friend

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's tonight. Yet another movie I probably should have seen but haven't. It was a good movie. Audrey Hepburn is so pretty and sophisticated looking. That's not what I took away from the movie but it was an observation that I think any normal person would think. One thing I did take away? I miss Early & I am an idiot. Eh. Not what I wanted to think about throughout the movie.

Chicago-like weather conditions

It's really really windy up here today. I'm pretty sure this is what Chicago is like. I went outside to walk Evie this morning and I could hardly keep the hood up on my jacket! It kept getting blown back and then my hair got blown everywhere. Then, I was walking up the mountain and so I was leaning forward to get up the mountain, the wind was blowing me backwards and Evie was pulling me every which way. My body was so confused.
Aside from it being very windy, it wasn't so bad. I'm so ready for Chicago.

So Far, So Good

So far I've had a good day - I'm leaving in a little bit to go up to Fayetteville so hopefully the goodness will continue when I get into traffic. Hopefully.
I took Evie for an extra long walk this morning, mopped my floors (very necessary!!), went to the gym, got laundry done and took a sad shower. It was only sad because there was only 1 shower head. Also, I opened my new chapstick that I got from the Reindeer Run and love it! It's actually not that great as far as chapstick goes, I swear by my dental office stuff...but this stuff has the piggly wiggly logo on it and that makes me love it. Off to work for some delicious (though no Mr. W's) chicken salad!!

Out In The Open

I know I already posted today but I didn't want to bog down my happy story with this. I've never really talked about this before...well...I have, forcefully...but never really willingly. I've been trying to deal with it by pretending like it doesn't exist but that's not really working out so well for me. I'm depressed. There, I said it. I've dealt with depression since...well...as long as I can remember. Some people know I dealt with it at one time but few know it's still an ongoing problem. (At least from what I know). I remember as a little kid, laying in bed, bawling my eyes out. I could never pinpoint the source but I would sob until I made myself sick and couldn't breathe. I don't really remember how my parents dealt with this. I would imagine they thought I was being overly dramatic as I tended to be from time to time. Or always. I was diagnosed with depression around 16. I went to therapy, I got on medication. Maybe it helped...maybe it didn't. I don't think it really did and I think I felt weird for having to do all that. Feeling weird does not fix depression.
It's been an issue for me that I have chose to dealt with by ignoring it. I would get in a horrible mood, push everyone away and wallow in my misery. It normally appears during the winter months but occasionally will pop up other times throughout the year. Each winter, I hope it won't pop up...but yet it's always here. I tried therapy once when I was a little older. I didn't like it then either. I felt like all I did was sit and whine to a complete stranger, who surely thought my life was not all that bad. I don't think my life is all that bad. Which is why the feelings are so frustrating - because I can't pinpoint a problem and therefore can't fix it.
If you haven't figured it out yet - that's what's been going on for the past few weeks/month. I have tried my best to not talk to anyone more than necessary. People ask if everything's ok and I just say yes and try to avoid answering any more questions. I hide out in my house and try to nap as much as I can, because nothing bad happens while you sleep. I burst into tears at the simplest thing. I get mad over everything. It really is frustrating. Every day I have been needing to give myself a pep talk just to make it through the work day so I can come home and take a nap. I guess the good thing is that I don't drink. Drinking generally makes the feelings worse so I keep my drinking to a minimum when I'm feeling like this.
After a really rough weekend, I realized things needed to change. Ignoring the problem is not fixing it. It never has (unless you ask my dad). I have absolutely no desire to go to therapy or to get on anti-depressants. I've done some research and I think I can figure out a way to handle this in natural ways. Some of my methods include
a)daily walks with Evie. Supposedly pets increase your happiness level.
b)exercise. I need to make it a point to go the gym.
c)Getting enough (but not too much) sleep. I now have a bedtime & wake up time, which does fluctuate slightly depending on my work activities the next day. I'm not sure how naps during vacation will play into it. I really do like a good nap. I just need to learn I don't need to nap in order to avoid life.
d)Diet. I recently watched SuperSize Me and joked that maybe that's what's been up with me. I've been eating so much fast food lately. But seriously. Maybe that has played into it.
e)A schedule. I'm giving myself a night time schedule. I need to floss/brush my teeth every night & wash my face. It will just make me feel better.
f)Vitamins. I already take vitamins to make my hair grow faster but I'm going to take some additional ones that are supposed to increase your energy level and alleviate the symptoms of depression.

I'm also not going to pretend it's not happening either. It's real. I wish it weren't. But...such is life. I've been working on all of the above things for the past few days and I've seen a huge improvement. I don't want to murder everyone. I can't really blame people for not wanting to hang out with me lately. I haven't really wanted to hang out with myself. I know I've been difficult to get along with for the past few weeks so if you've had to deal with me - I'm sorry. I'm working on being more amenable. Please bear with me and I'll be fun again. Promise.

Scrub Me Down and Call Me Happy

I am 100%, totally, completely, head over heels, blissfully happy right now. Normally I feel this way after a really good date with Early...but the cause this time? I finally got to use my Groupon for a body scrub and OH MY GOD IT WAS AMAZING! Seriously...I was a little iffy because this place is in downtown North Charleston...which could go really good...or really badly. It was a cute little building with white Christmas lights tastefully decorating the outside of the door so I took that as a good sign. I learned from my first massage that you should always arrive early - so early I was and got to sit and relax in their waiting room wearing a soft, warm robe and with the most heavenly neck wrap thing around my neck. Seriously. I think God sent this to SoCa specifically for me. I did check out the tag, it's from Tara Spa and it's amazing. It smelled like warm cinnamon apple oatmeal, wrapped around my neck. Ahhh.
My scrubist, Jaffa, came to get me and was wearing this plastic, dominatrix looking apron and I began to wonder what I got myself into...but once she started? I was in love! She scrubbed my whole body with this scrubby stuff and made me feel super smooth - I know, it seems really weird that I would like this, with my being averse to human touch and all...but in this situation? Get me naked and rub me down! I especially liked when she rubbed my stomach.
The best part of it all? I know this is weird but you all should have come to expect oddity from me by now. The shower. I LOVE THAT SHOWER! I would live in that shower if I could. I would marry that shower. She started it up so it was nice and warm and steamy for me when I got in there and THERE WERE 3 SHOWER HEADS! Two from the corners of the shower and a giant rainfall one. I've heard of these before...but never used one. I thought she might have to come pry me from the shower. You couldn't go anywhere without being sprayed in all directions! The side ones were strategically placed about mid calf, mid thigh, stomach and chest. I loved them.
The scrub finished with a full body lotion application which made my skin feel so soft and luxurious and smooth. I just keep rubbing myself because I feel so good!
I'm a little disappointed because M told me when she got her scrub they wrapped her in foil and baked her like a potato. I was kinda looking forward to it. But I think she probably got a scrub and a wrap...which I'm looking into for next time :)

An Actual Conversation

Sadly, this really did happen.
Self: I should go to the gym.
Self: I know, but I'm tired.
Self: Yeah but the gym will make you feel more energized
Self: I have to poo.
Self: Don't be ridiculous. You can poo at the gym if you have to go that badly.
Self: I want to get home so I can clean my headlights.
Self: No you don't.
Self: I could...
Self: But you don't. You're being ridiculous. Take your lazy behind to the gym.

I'm happy to report that myself won...so...right.
I did just get back from AMK club which is quickly becoming my favorite club. It's actually just an excuse to have girls night once a month - we had a delicious pasta & salad & dessert...and my appetizer I made with questionable shrimp. I ate a few beforehand and didn't get sick..they just didn't smell so hot. I'm sure we'll all be fine :)

I Give Up

Early and I are "taking space apart" right now for a few weeks. This is crap. This is the opposite of what I wanted. Ugh. Anyways, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself (which I am...), I'm going to be productive and go out on as many dates as I can over the next 3 weeks. That is definitly not what I want to be doing, since I would like to only be dating him...but, alas...I would rather do that than sit and stress out over the next 3 weeks.
So, my goal...it is Christmas and New Years so that does make scheduling difficult...but think I can make it on 10 dates in the 16 days that he's gone? I'm going to try...and I would like them to be quality dates too...since I'm counting on not hearing back from Early, might as well start moving on....right? Huge, gigantic sad face inserted here.

**Update** Operation Date As Much As Possible is going quite poorly. Pretty much due to lack of trying. I don't want to go out on dates with anyone else. This blows. All I want to do is call him and tell him I miss him. Must be strong.

Still a Grinch

I'm still being a grinch. I feel like everytime I start to get into the Christmas spirit some event happens and makes me hate the whole world again. I'm about 1 stressful event away from cancelling Christmas and staying home, in my bed, by myself for the weekend. I'm trying my best to avoid everyone so that I can relax and not flip out....sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.
I went to Early's graduation today and I'm a little frustrated about that. I stressed and stressed about what to wear - I wanted to look perfect because a)I never get to dress up so I wanted him to see that if I tried, I could look nice and pulled together and b)I thought there might be a picture taken of the two of us and that his parents would see it. I wanted them to think that I looked like a nice, appropriate, not cheap floozy...so worry worry worry, I finally found the perfect outfit and get this: I even ironed it! I know, that's a shocker. I thought I looked really nice when I left the house today - perhaps my hair was a little flat but overall, it was a winning look. Was there a picture? No. Did he comment on my appearance? No. And, to make everything worse...I got a blister from the shoes I was wearing and it busted on my walk back to the car. I should have just worn my sweat pants and flip flops.