*cough cough cough* help

So I went on a little culinary adventure tonight. I decided to try my hand at roast pork tenderloin with a jalapeno pear glaze. Let me rephrase that...with a spicy jalapeno pear glaze. Perhaps that's not quite accurate either...you-might-seriously-die-when-you-eat-this jalapeno pear glaze.
I was standing over the glaze, pureeing it with my hand mixer..when I started coughing. (but don't worry, I didn't cough into the glaze!) Hmmm...why is that? Then I realized that the glaze was SO spicy that I could not breathe the fumes in. So I finished mixing then I tasted it....owwww! Now I like spicy food...but I don't like to see my life flash before my eyes. I mean, I don't normally eat jalapenos (it's a texture thing) so I don't know how spicy they actually are. Apparently I used too many.

Always ask Uncle Barney!

Dear Uncle Barney:

I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death, because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing?

Jack Package, New York

Dear Jack,

It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it

Can't wait!

I totally feel ya on this one Barney!

Dream a little dream for me

I love when you have one of those dreams that you think is real. Had a really really good one last night that would be a dream come true (ha!) if it were real...but then I woke up and realized it was not real. Sadness.

Try Again!

I am trying SO SO hard not to be mean...but it is SO not working. Mean thoughts just keep popping through my head.

A Fair Trade

So I don't understand why I get trash duty every day and the receptionist gets solitaire duty. I mean, don't we ever get to trade off? My favorite is when she asks if I'll be done soon because she is ready to go. Well, Delores...if you stopped playing solitaire and helped out with the things YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING ANYWAYS, we could have been done 5 minutes ago.

Seriously? Really?

Ok...so 3 dates, right? They've been going mostly good. I mean, there is the slight problem that I'm not really all that interested in Bubba...but that's minor. I could learn to like him. Maybe. What? I could! Then...today. *sigh* What in the heck happened today??? So I get there and he asks if I wouldn't mind paying for the movie, and he'll get the food....ok, not a great sign. But, as I like to make excuses for people: he is in school and he does only work part-time. While I'm not rolling in the dough, I at least am working full-time. And he paid for the first 2 dates on his part-time salary. So...ok, we can get past that.
THEN, we're in the movie. Things seem to be going ok, but nope, didn't even try to hold my hand. Again, not really a good sign. And don't say I maybe had my hands in an awkward position. It was there. It was ready to be held. Sitting there...just waiting. So we leave...and I get a one-armed hug. One arm! That is NEVER a good sign. Ugh. I hate dating. I mean, not a giant deal since, like I said...not all that interested in him. But him not liking me is NOT going along with my plan. So now I have to do some major damage control and fix things. Because I don't have a valid reason to not like him. He seems to be a nice guy (though we all know I am a terrible judge of character!)...if only there was some sort of spark. But it's like hanging out with...Josh Wilkie. Kinda like my brother, but NOT my brother, so if something did develop it wouldn't be uber-gross or illegal but at the same time it's absolutely impossible to imagine anything ever developing because he's more like a brother to me than a real guy. And liking your brother is gross.
Seriously? 3 dates? At least none of them have ended in a nice firm handshake.

Get this

So I have this theory...it's my dating theory. So most people, when they start dating, they try to be the nicest, sweetest person they can possibly be, right? Because you want to put your best foot forward, win the person over, whatever. But then...in 3 months or so...the real person comes out and you realize they pretty much suck. So here's my plan...well...it's what I do and it's worked thus far...kinda sorta...But at least I'm not wasting time, energy, or effort on undeserving people. There are 4 levels:

Level 1 - I'm nice. That's about all you get from me. I'm not overly gushy/try to talk to you more than necessary/hang out with you/be overly clingy. Niceness. You get treated how I treat my friends...I'm nice to you. Big deal, you say? Well...it is. I'm not nice to everyone. I could be mean. I could bring Grumpy Kristin out. But I don't. This is the level that Bubba is at.

Level 2 - I'm nice AND I begin to show little signs of affection. I bring you little gifts occasionally (mostly centered around food but I REALLY like food!). I'll talk to you more than absolutely necessary, see if you're having a good day, you know, stuff like that. Nothing major...but nice with some bonuses.

Level 3 - Not many people make it to this level. I cook for you (not often...but sometimes). I'll help with MINOR household chores IF I'm around and I feel like it. That means folding laundry, dishes...you know, easy stuff. I'll sit around and watch sports with you (and not ask 10 million questions).

Level 4 - Well...I can't say I've liked anyone enough to get to Level 4. So I don't really know what will go on at this level. I'm sure I'd do just about anything that the person wanted and I'd go out of my way to make them happy...but it's going to take a really really special person for that. And so far, that person does not exist. Voldemort was close...but, well, I wasn't made of weed so I wasn't quite what he was looking for.

So, see...my theory is that I'm nice in the beginning, but I only get nicer with time. And if someone is worth it, they'll get to stick around to see how nice (and unselfish) I could possibly get.

Everyday of my life....

Do We Really Still Live In A World Like This????

So I was asked by one of my jobs if I knew of anyone willing to come in and help on a day when I was not available. I said sure and called a girl I went to school with. This girl is incredibly nice and professional. She just so happens to be black and has a name that sounds...less than traditional. I explained to the office that Blah-blah would be coming in to help and that she would be there at 8:15. They said "Oh...Blah-blah. Is she foreign?" That question definitely threw me off so I said no....but she is black. Whatever...crazy people. Well! Turns out that's a problem. Not with them, the staff, but supposedly some of the patients wouldn't like a black girl working on them. Seriously? I know I live in the south...but we are just slightly past the 1960's. Segregation has been out for a long long time. I just couldn't believe that race would seriously be an issue.
It was with a sad, sad heart that I called Blah-blah and lied to her, saying the schedule had fallen apart and she wouldn't be needed that day after all. I hate that people are so ignorant! She is a person, who cares what color her skin is? If she's nice and professional, that should be all that matters...You aren't going to turn black if she touches you. You won't get a disease.

AHHHH!!! STOP IT!!!

I had a 79 year old patient tell me today that he told his girlfriend...and yes, these were his exact words and no, I had NO idea what to say. And yes, I did throw up in my mouth a little bit. And no, it's never appropriate to say that to someone but especially not when it is a stranger and especially especially not when they are 50 years younger than you and trying to protect the whole idea that old people do NOT have sex. It stops once you have kids. No more. It's done.

"I have an enlarged prostate so I can't have sex but I told her you're never too old to lick the candy jar." and then he waggled his tongue at me...